Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
