Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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