A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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