The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
