the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
