Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
