It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
