She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
