mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
