We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
