Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
