Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
