did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
