why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
His hands were made for my vagina.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
