if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
