To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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