He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
