So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
