You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
