I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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