i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Randomize
