hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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