My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
