If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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