Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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