We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
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