last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
