Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
