am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
