I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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