I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
