He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
