How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
