I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
