i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
