Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
