the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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