They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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