dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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