After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
