I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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