I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
