Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
