oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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