nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
