I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
