I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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