I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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