you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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