You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
